NOW IS THE RIGHT TIME!
As a parent, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. Helping your child/teen to grow healthy friendships is essential. Through relationships, your child/teen develops a sense of belonging. They come to better understand themselves through their interactions with you, their teachers, and their peers.
Children/teens ages 11-14 are in the process of carving out their identity and their measuring stick is often their peers’ opinions and approval. This directly impacts their self-awareness.1 Whereas in their earlier years, you, as their parent, defined their identity through your reflections, guidance, and stories, now peers will provide valuable input as your child/teen attempts to figure out what they are passionate about and what kind of person they are becoming.
Not surprisingly, children/teens who feel a sense of belonging and connection to their peers have a greater sense of wellbeing today and in the future. And, it’s not about the quantity of friends but about the quality. Research that examined teen relationships at the ages of 15 and 16 showed that those with one close friend rather than a large group (with fewer intimate relationships) reported higher self-worth and lower levels of anxiety and depression.2 But, friendships require time and care. Research also reveals that it takes about 50 hours to develop a casual friendship and more than 200 hours to develop a close friendship.3 So, when your child/teen is spending hours doing a whole of lot of – what you might deem – nothing with their pal, you can rest assured that the time spent with friends can be a nurturing source of support and growth.
Yet, there are challenges. “She’s always staring at me. I must look weird. Or maybe she just hates me?” you may hear from your eleven-year-old. You may feel like these comments are suddenly coming out of nowhere, but, in fact, this is a normal, healthy next step in your child’s/teen’s development. This newfound ability to see from another’s perspective can be compared to wearing new glasses. Though you can clearly see better, you are still adjusting to your new perspective. You may see flaws on your face that were never apparent before. You may also miscalculate what you think you are seeing and fall down a number of times before adjusting.
Our children/teens can become highly self-conscious as they learn about and attempt to explore the minds of their peers. They begin to hear and may even invent criticisms of their character, their appearance, and their interests fearing the worst – rejection. These challenges arise as a normal part of your child’s development. Learning how we can support their growing friendships can help us feel more competent in our role as parents. The steps below will prepare you to help your child/teen through the ups and downs of growing healthy friendships.
WHY FRIENDS?
Whether it’s your eleven-year-old crying that her friend ignored her or your thirteen-year-old experiencing hurtful comments on his internet posting, our children’s/teen’s current friendships (or lack of) can become our daily challenge if we don’t create plans and strategies for dealing with them along with input from our children.
Today, in the short term, friendships can create:
a sense of confidence that we can help our child/teen in their relationships;
greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment;
trust in each other that we have the competence to manage our relationships;
sense of wellbeing for a parent and child/teen with the motivation to engage and work hard on them; and
added daily peace of mind.
Tomorrow, in the longer term, your child/teen:
builds skills in self-awareness;
builds skills in social awareness, perspective-taking, empathy and compassion;
builds skills in self-control and managing emotions; and
learns independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency.
FIVE STEPS FOR FRIENDS
This five-step process helps your child/teen to grow healthy friendships. It also builds important skills in your teen. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues as well (learn more about the process).
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Intentional communication and a healthy parenting relationship support these steps.
STEP 1. GET YOUR CHILD/TEEN THINKING BY GETTING THEIR INPUT
You can get your child/teen thinking about friendships by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt their thinking. You’ll also begin to better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to friendships so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen:
has the opportunity to become more aware of how they’re thinking and feeling and understand when the cause of their upset is friendship related;
can begin to formulate what it means to be a good friend;
can think through and problem solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time; and
will have more motivation and courage to try and make new friends.
ACTIONS
Engage your child/teen in a conversation about friendship. You could ask.
“Who do you count as friends? Why?”
“What’s important about having friends?”
“How can you start new friendships?”
Practice actively listening to your child’s/teen’s thoughts, feelings, and worries about friendships. Use your best listening skills! Paraphrasing is a technique to ensure you are fully understanding what your child/teen is communicating. Paraphrasing is echoing back to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and also to confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. It may seem awkward at first. But this step is an important way for you to check your own understanding while simultaneously teaching children/teens how to listen for comprehension. It forces the listener to step up their game as they are going to be “on the spot” to communicate back what you have said. It might go something like this:
Child/Teen: “I asked my friend for help in Spanish class today, and he just totally ignored me.”
Parent modeling paraphrasing: “So I hear you asked your friend for help and got no response back.”
If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can also reflect back the feeling implied. Parent reflecting feeling: “I get the sense you were hurt and disappointed that he didn’t help you. Is that right?”
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Sometimes feeling the need for friends, especially when you feel like you don’t have many, can make a child/teen feel alone, vulnerable, and different. Reassure your child/teen that it’s normal for every person to want to grow friendships. We all go through challenging times trying to find new friends.
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Our worries are not always our child’s/teen’s worries. Listen closely to what is most concerning to them without projecting your own thoughts, concerns, and feelings.
Learn about the meaning of friendship. In calmer moments with your child/teen, ask:
“What are some qualities you look for in a friend?”
“What are qualities that you have that make you a good friend?”
Make this a regular conversation in your household and particularly during time periods when your child/teen is struggling.
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Use your child’s/teen’s reading or shows to spur conversations about friendship. When reading or watching a show together, ask about characters’ choices and how they might support a friendship or hurt a friendship. Ask open-ended questions (with no right or wrong answers) so that your child/teen has the opportunity to consider what it means to be a good friend.
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Discuss the meaning of friendship as a whole family at a family dinner. Include all family members’ perspectives as you talk about what you value in a friend, how you try and act as a good friend, and how you go about making new friends.
STEP 2. TEACH NEW SKILLS BY INTERACTIVE MODELING
Social connections are vital to the learning and development of our children/teens. Relationships offer exercise in social and emotional skills like communication, cooperation, and conflict management. In tough times, friends can become an invaluable support offering care and understanding. Learning about what developmental milestones a child/teen is working on can help a parent better understand the role of friendships in our children’s/teen’s lives and the challenges they may face. Strategies can also be formed around developmental themes.4Here are some examples:
Eleven-year-olds are trying to assert their independence imagining themselves in adult roles. As they are better able to see from another person’s perspective, they also increase their worries about being liked, who’s “in” and who’s “out,” and may engage in excluding others in order to gain popularity. This is an important time to promote inclusion and kindness. Also, eleven-year-olds need to realize that their peers are also worried about being liked to help grow their empathy for others. Friendships may come and go rapidly as they attempt to figure out where they feel they belong.
Twelve-year-olds are gaining confidence and leadership abilities, and they may feel more secure in their friendships. They are eager to figure out more serious adult issues and where they stand. As they seek out risks, peers will exert pressure and also support. Disturbing news and social issues could preoccupy them more with their growing social awareness. They also have a lot of energy and need for sleep, so they may have less resilience and find themselves more rundown by stress.
Thirteen-year-olds can have worries related to their newly acquired body changes and physical appearance. They can be highly sensitive as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent upon you. They will feel an ever greater sense of peer pressure, and though they may be pushing you away, they also require your continued support and guidance including hopes for your approval.
Fourteen-year-olds may act invincible and like they know it “all.” Despite this, they still look to adults to set boundaries, negotiate rules, and listen to their needs. They are gaining interest in others as romantic partners and will have crushes, broken hearts, and worries related to the world of relationships. Friends will be highly important in their lives, and they may spend lots of time communicating through texts, gaming, and messaging.
Fifteen-year-olds are in the final year of the major physical changes that occur in puberty. They may feel a bit insecure and sensitive to criticism. They may be preoccupied with peer interactions and impressions. Homework and academic goals are less important than socializing but still important. Teens may fear failure in front of their peers and may seek to avoid certain projects or tasks to avoid that feeling of humiliation. Though peers are highly influential, teens at this age still look to you for encouragement that they can handle the bigger expectations and work load. The peer group can present all sorts of worries including who’s in the “in” and “out” crowd, to whom your teen is attracted, and with who your teen desires to build friendships. Strong friendships can serve as a key support and also help motivate your teen to work hard in school so your coaching and support of their connections with friends can also make a difference in their sense of wellbeing.
Sixteen-year-olds are at the end of the awkwardness of their new physical being and are beginning to feel and appear more confident in themselves and who they are. They may have new important goals outside of school, and along with them, worries related to learning to drive, getting a driver’s license, getting a new part-time job, or trying out a romantic partnership. All these are critical steps for their exploration of adult life. They also may be measuring themselves on the accomplishment of these goals in relation to their peers.
Seventeen-year-olds have more serious pursuits on their mind and may become highly focused on their academic and life goals as they consider the fact that their graduation is coming up and they’ll need to face life after high school. At times, they may seem to feel invincible and perhaps, overly confident while at other times, they might resort to behaviors from earlier years, seeming fragile and scared. It can become a highly stressful time, so your support during this time is critical. Friendships will likely be tested as your teen makes plans for life after school that may or may not align with friends’ plans.
Eighteen and nineteen-year-olds are now considered emerging adults gaining the ability to vote and are socially recognized as adults. Many will be entering college with a brand new set of academic goals and expectations. It’s likely your emerging adult will be leaving some friendships behind as peers make different decisions for their future. They may also be attempting to make new friends and create relationships that will support them in their new environment. These relationships can become a critical new support as they serve as the first “adult” friendships in their newly established life. At times, they may exude confidence while at other times, they may feel highly insecure and run to you needing comfort and security. This is a time for redefining your relationship, so paying close attention to their needs, offering your assurance that they are ready and can do it on their own while allowing for their independence are some of your most important roles.
Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your child/teen up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.
ACTIONS
Model introductions for your child/teen. Find chances in the grocery store or at the bank during regular weekly activities in which your child/teen accompanies you to model introductions to people. You may go to the same store each week but not know the names of the employees that assist you. Introduce yourself and invite your child/teen to introduce themselves.5
For example, you might say to the person at the bank, “Hi. I come in here weekly and you’ve helped me many times. What is your name? It’s nice to meet you.” You could then ask your child/teen to introduce themself to practice, or you could say, “This is my daughter, Amanda. She is a great help.”
You may take the opportunity on the car ride home to reflect on the introduction. You might ask, “What did you notice that I said to the woman at the bank? Are there some people at school you might be able to introduce yourself to in a similar way?”
There’s always a first day at a new activity, a new grade in school, or a new camp where parents are standing around saying goodbye to their children. This is an ideal opportunity to begin making introductions. Introduce yourself and your child/teen to other parents and other kids. It can be as simple as shaking a hand and exchanging names. If this healthy risk makes you nervous, consider that it can be an important teaching tool to model for your child/teen how to overcome their fears and reach out to connect with others.
Discuss your own friendship challenges. Though in the past, your child/teen may have not shown any interest in your friendships, now they may be keenly paying attention to how you manage your relationships. When you experience friendship challenges, talk them through with your child/teen. “June didn’t invite me to her party. Now I feel awkward when I talk to her. I’m wondering whether or not I should bring it up.” This gives your child/teen a low-risk opportunity to problem solve through a social situation. Be sure you include your values of what a good friend should act like in the conversation. They’ll need lots of practice making tough decisions, so you will be giving them an added opportunity.
Learn strategies together! When you start a friendship, going up to a stranger can be nerve-wracking. Your child/teen may prefer to stay in their comfort zone. Brainstorming ideas together for ways to start up a connection can add to their comfort level and may even boost their motivation to take that healthy risk. Here are a few ideas to add to your brainstorm list:
Find a common interest (sports, music, art, animals).
Find a difference and learn about it: “I notice you play the piano. I’ve never played. What do you like about it? I’d love to learn more.”
Offer a specific compliment: “Those are great shoes. Where did you find them?” No one can resist responding to a compliment. This can be a winning introduction!
Ask an opinion of something you are doing together, such as, “What did you think of science today? What did you think of gym class?”
Ask, “Can I sit here?” or invite another to sit and eat. The lunch room can be a highly stressful environment for kids who haven’t found a lunch “home.”
Do magic. Yes, learn a basic magic trick and show others. Everyone loves a little magic!
Learn listening strategies together by trying them out. Listening strategies for understanding and connection are skills that can be built over time with practice and support. Modeling is a great way to teach.
Active Listening.Active Listening is listening to fully understand what the person is saying, both thoughts and feelings. Wait until the person is clearly finished. A response could be a simple “Yes!” or “Uh-huh” or “I get it.” Make eye contact and practice placing your full focus on the speaker. Providing wait time is particularly important with children/teens but can also be important with adults. We get anxious with our own needs and thoughts and jump in before the speaker can complete his thought. Providing wait time can allow for deeper thinking and better responses particularly when you ask questions of others. What you may perceive as awkward silence may actually provide the space for the speaker to formulate their thoughts and come back to you with a well-considered response.
Paraphrasing. Paraphrasing is echoing back to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and also to confirm to the speaker that you have heard them.
Seeking Clarification. Seeking clarification is something that we, as adults, may do naturally. Particularly if we are listening with the intent to learn something from the speaker, we seek clarification on details so that we are certain we understand. Practice seeking clarification with your child/teen and reinforce when they are able to do it on their own. Mom, for example, might say to Dad: “What did you mean when you said you weren’t happy this morning. What happened?”
Practice Questioning and Commenting With Empathy.Questioning or commenting with empathy takes practice. Instead of responding to a speaker with your own opinions or experiences, you focus solely on the content of what has been communicated. Avoid using “I” in your response. An example might be: “Today Mrs. Smith started a new project; we are going to be examining plant cells – I can’t wait.” As a parent, I might be tempted to respond with, “I did that when I was in school” which focuses back on me. Instead you might say, “Okay. Sounds like you are excited about this project. What else are you going to do in this project?” This empathetic pattern of speaking and listening may come naturally to some, but to children, it is a major challenge and requires experience. Your modeling will make a difference in their own comfort with this style of communication.6
Though it may be difficult to recall your own learning experiences in how to talk with others, children/teens need to learn how to share and to converse. They need to learn what’s appropriate, what’s not, what’s too much, and what’s too little. This is why dialogue at family meals, on road trips, or after school are critical.
Consider what you typically talk about. If it’s the logistics of life (when we have to go to karate, etc.), you might want to think about adding some additional topics to teach your child/teen important conversation tools. For example, you could talk about interests, passions, social connections, or situations. You could explore your child’s curiosities like how things work and what things mean. Whether your child/teen is passionate about tigers or interested in bowling, get curious, ask questions, and discuss these interests. These simple conversations show your child/teen how to share appropriately.
Keep your questions or comments brief and engaging. When you are intentionally initiating a family conversation to teach your child/teen how to appropriately share, ensure that it’s developmentally appropriate and something your child/teen can replicate easily. So, if you choose their favorite topic of crafting to discuss, then challenge yourself to share only one or two sentences, combine with a question, or simply ask one question. This is more of a child/teen-friendly, school-friendly way of conversing that your child/teen can learn. For example, “I love how you’ve organized your crafting supplies. Do you have a next project in mind?”
Use the “Me Too!” rule so that each person can complete a thought without interruption.7 Agree with family members that when someone is saying something that is true for them as well, they make the “Me too!” sign – shake your thumb pointing back at yourself and pinkie pointing out at the other person. This prevents interruptions and also meets the needs of listeners who are eager to connect to what the speaker is saying.
When you or your child/teen is in the uncomfortable position of disagreeing or arguing with another, it can be difficult to know how to respond in ways that won’t harm yourself or others. That’s why teaching and practicing I-messages can provide a simple structure for what you can say. This statement works effectively from partner to partner, from parent to child, and from child to child. Here’s an example:
“I feel _____________________(insert feeling word) when you_____________ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________________________________.”
This helps the individual take responsibility for their own role and feelings in the problem while constructively communicating what they are experiencing. Here’s how it might sound if a parent is using it with their child/teen: “I feel frustrated and angry when you kept playing your video game because I had something important to say, and I felt ignored.”
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I-messages can be challenging for adults to recall, so certainly our children/teens need practice if they are going to use this effective tool. In addition to modeling it, you can also offer the word structure when you see a conflict between siblings. That prompting will help them use it and practice it.
Repair harm. A critical step in teaching our children/teens about friendships is learning how to repair harm they’ve caused (physical or emotional). And they will. Mistakes are a critical aspect of social learning. Plus, we all have our moments when we hurt another. But it’s that next step that they take that matters in healing emotional wounds and repairing the friendship.
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Find small opportunities to help your child/teen mend relationships. Siblings offer a regular chance to practice this! If there’s fighting, then talk to your child/teen about how they feel first. When you’ve identified that they had a role in causing harm, brainstorm together how they might make their sister feel better. You might ask, “What could you do?” Allow your child/teen to supply answers, and you may be surprised at how many options they come up with. Support and guide them to follow through on selecting one and doing it.
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If you tell or even command your child/teen to make an apology, how will they ever learn to genuinely apologize with feeling? In fact, apologizing or making things right should never be assigned as a punishment, since then the control lies with the adult and robs the child/teen of the opportunity to learn the skill and internalize the value of repairing harm. Instead, ask your child/teen how they want to make up for the hurt they’ve caused and help them implement their idea.
STEP 3. PRACTICE TO GROW SKILLS, CONFIDENCE, AND DEVELOP HABITS
Practice can take the form of cooperatively working together, or trying out a new skill with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is not only nice, it’s necessary in order for children/teens to internalize new skills. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child/teen works hard to performs the new action.
ACTIONS
Use “I’d love to see…” When a child/teen learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Ask: “I’d love to see the types of questions you use to gather five different pieces of information about how your sister’s day went.” Set a goal for yourself to reintroduce one of the conversations or listening strategies you’ve taught to practice as a family at dinner.
Recognize effort. Recognize effort by saying “I notice…” statements like: “I notice how you used an I-message with your sister when you got frustrated – that’s excellent!”
Schedule friend dates or social outings. Friend dates, hangouts, and social outings can become invaluable practice for your child/teen in building connections and exercising the skills you’ve taught them.
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Learn about where your child/teen likes to see friends. Are there places to hang out socially that are desirable for your child/teen and their friends? Are they in supervised or public locations? Teens, especially, need spaces and places where they can be social, and if they don’t have them, they’ll create them. Offer opportunities for healthy hangouts by offering your home and being around to provide snacks, games, and supervision or suggest safe public hangouts like the ice cream shop, the bowling alley, or the roller rink.
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When it comes to figuring out who to invite over and when, follow your child’s/teen’s lead. Who knows why we are particularly attracted to another person and seek out their friendship? Perhaps it has to do with our developmental needs. But, it’s impossible to truly predict toward which peers our child/teen will gravitate. Who does your child/teen talk about at home? That’s a perfect place to begin.
Discuss a few simple rules with your child/teen in advance. Instead of feeling like you have to highly supervise every moment, go over a few basic rules to set up for success. You might want to begin with saying, “Each family has different rules. Let’s figure out a few for our house that make the most sense. How about – play appropriate and safe games?” Then talk about what playing appropriate and safe means to you such as: “we keep the bedroom door open, we don’t watch R-rated movies, or we don’t watch movies at all.” When the friend arrives, welcome them in, share your excitement for a great time, and then partner with your child/teen to communicate those few rules you’ve discussed. You might say to your child/teen, “Do you remember what we talked about as our house rules?”
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Our children/teens have plenty of time and space for screen time. Social gatherings should not be one of them if you want to maximize your child’s/teen’s social learning. Adopt the motto: “Friends before screens.” Perhaps get out some novelty games that haven’t been opened yet, put away the screens, and allow them time to work out what they’ll do. If you want to offer screen time during a hangout, save it for the later so that they get to interact first.
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The best way to turnaround a misbehavior that may be taking place is by recognizing when and how your child/teen makes good choices and acts positively in similar circumstances. Children/teens need to learn what to do as well as what not to do.
STEP 4. SUPPORT YOUR CHILD’S/TEEN’S DEVELOPMENT AND SUCCESS
At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen some new strategies for making friends and growing friendships so that they understand how to take action. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, and coaching. Parents naturally offer support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.
ACTIONS
Ask key questions to learn about your child’s/teen’s free time at school and whether they are interacting with others. You could ask: “Who did you sit with at lunch today? What did you play at gym?”
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When your child/teen comes to you with an interpersonal problem such as with a friend or a teacher, reflect back feelings. Ask what choices your child/teen might have in communicating with this other person. Perhaps offer supportive language that will help them broach the topic. Then, show your confidence that they can manage their own communications and work through their own problems.
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Children/Teens are searching for privacy and trying to find their independence. They don’t like to be in the spotlight feeling questioned by parents. Too many directed questions can feel like an interrogation and can actually close the door to future conversations about friends. So if you ask open-ended questions out of curiosity, don’t expect an immediate answer. In fact, leave the question hanging. Your child/teen may return to you days later with a response having thought about what they might say.
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Avoid criticizing your child’s/teen’s friends or classmates, even if your child/teen is. Friendships and loyalties change quickly. Your child/teen may not confide in you if they feel you are going to judge. Listen with an open mind and open ears to show they can trust you as a confidant and support. If your child’s/teen’s friends are acting in harmful ways, ask good questions to help your child/teen think through what they believe is right and wrong.
Learn about development. Each new age and stage will present differing social challenges. So becoming informed regularly about what developmental milestones your child/teen is working toward will offer you empathy and patience.
Reflect on outcomes. “Remember we met Sam together on your first day of school, and you are still hanging out with him into middle school? He’s become a good friend.”
Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for trying out new and different friendship-building strategies can help offer additional support and motivation for your child/teen when tough issues arise.
Engage in further practice. Create more opportunities to practice when all is calm.
STEP 5. RECOGNIZE EFFORT AND QUALITY TO FOSTER MOTIVATION
Though adults tend to forget, your attention is your child’s/teen’s sweetest reward. It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness and business of getting tasks accomplished such as getting to work and school on time. But if your child/teen is working hard to create new friendships and act as a good friend, it will be worth your while to call it out. After all, your recognition can go a long way to promoting more of the same positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s sense of social competence. Add to their motivation to work hard with the following actions.
ACTIONS
Notice! It may seem obvious but it’s easy not to notice when all is moving along smoothly. When our children/teens are using the communications tools you’ve taught them, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed. “I noticed you introduced yourself to the other girl at the store. Yes! That’s the way to initiate a friendship.”
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Be specific. “Good job” seems to not carry much meaning. However, a specific compliment about a pointed behavior – “You found a common interest with the new person you met – love seeing that!” – can promote more of the same.
Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments in order to recognize. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. They need to happen along the way. Find small ways your child/teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
Build celebrations into your routine. For example, “Since you made a new friend this week, why don’t I call her mom and invite her to our house?” Encourage opportunities for fun and further connection.
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Avoid screen time, gifts, or other rewards for performance. These actually have a de-motivating effect on children/teens. When you remove the screen time, for example, have they internalized the skills and also the sense of responsibility for performing them? There’s less of a chance if you’ve offered a “bribe.” Focus on your attention as the best reward. This is an essential strategy in discipline for skill building.
CLOSING
Engaging in these five steps is an investment that builds your skills as an effective parent to use on many other issues and builds important skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. Throughout this tool, there are opportunities for children/teens to become more self-aware, to deepen their social awareness, to exercise their self-management skills, to work on their relationship skills, and to demonstrate and practice responsible decision making.
References
Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2019). Friends. Ages 11-19. Retrieved from https://www.ParentingMontana.org.