Pyramid Lake Schools

NOW IS THE RIGHT TIME!

As a parent, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship, and engaging in family reading time provides a perfect opportunity.

Reading is essential for your child’s/teen’s success in school, and reading also plays a critical role in your child’s/teen’s:

social and emotional development,
language development,
executive functions like working memory and self-control,1
connection to you,
empathy and understanding of others,
imagination (ability to “see” the story),2 and
ability to choose healthy behaviors (preventing high risk behaviors and unhealthy choices).

Researchers have found that social, emotional, and cognitive development cannot be separated. In fact, they directly and indirectly impact one another.3 Children/Teens exercise their responsible decision-making skills and moral development as they reflect on their favorite characters’ choices and the outcomes that result.

Children/Teens ages 11-14 are in the process of learning how to read larger, more complicated texts and extracting meaning from them. Teens ages 13-14 are required in school to begin to think abstractly about their reading and to decipher metaphors, symbols, and cultural themes. All children/teens can establish critical learning habits through reading that will extend throughout their school years. Reading is best learned snuggled up next to parents, grandparents, and other loved ones. In fact, the single most important activity for building skills essential for reading success appears to be reading aloud to children.4

As children/teens get older and become more competent readers, parents tend to stop reading aloud. However, even high school students (and adults) benefit from collaborative reading or reading aloud. In reading together, you are deepening your caring connection (relationship skills). You and your child/teen gain insight into the characters’ inner lives – thoughts and feelings – in a way that no other source can allow you access (social awareness). And, with that exploration of others’ experiences, you learn more about who you are (self-awareness) and what you value (responsible decision making).

Yet, we all face challenges when it comes to establishing a daily reading routine with our children/teens. Families today are busier than ever with more demands on their time.

Our children/teens are highly entertained and stimulated by screens and the many worlds they can fly quickly in and out of through gaming, YouTube, and more. So, it may take a bit more encouragement than past generations to start reading. But, once you get into a routine and make it a joyful experience, it can enrich your family life and deepen your intimacy all the while you are promoting valuable skills for school and life success. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters to support family reading in cooperative ways without a daily struggle.

WHY READING?

Becoming intentional about a daily reading routine, looking for ways to incorporate reading into your family times spent together, and considering the quality of the experience of how you read together can all contribute to a child’s/teen’s development.

Today, in the short term, reading can create:

greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment as we engage in reading;
opportunity for dialogue and reflection; and
a direct and simple way to influence your child’s/teen’s positive development.

Tomorrow, in the long term, reading helps your child/teen:

build skills in collaboration and cooperative goal setting;
build skills in hard work and persistence;
develop empathy, creative thinking, and responsible decision-making skills; and
create positive learning habits that contribute directly to school success.

FIVE STEPS FOR DAILY FAMILY READING

This five-step process helps your family establish a routine for daily reading. It also builds important skills in your child/teen. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues as well (learn more about the process).

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These steps are best done when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush.

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Intentional communication and a healthy parenting relationship support these steps.

STEP 1. GET YOUR CHILD/TEEN THINKING BY GETTING THEIR INPUT

You can get your child/teen thinking about establishing a routine for daily reading by asking open-ended questions. Seeking their input and offering authentic choices in designing a plan to establish a routine for daily family reading offers multiple benefits.

In gaining input, your child/teen:

has the opportunity to think through their routine and problem solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time;
has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership, comes a greater responsibility for implementing the routine);
will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership; and
will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about a critical aspect of their learning – reading.

ACTIONS

Get curious about the books your child/teen is reading at school. They may be reading books you remember. Engage them in a discussion about the books they are reading.
Discuss with your child/teen the differences between reading a book and watching a movie. Talk about which option allows for more creativity and self-expression?
Discuss how they make decisions about what to read. Ask: “How do you know a book will be interesting?” or “How do you know whether a book is appropriate for you?”
Allowing your child/teen some choices in establishing a reading routine will add to their sense of control and motivation to read. Questions you could ask to better understand their preferences include:
- “How much reading homework do you usually get from school everyday?”
- “Considering all of the activities that typically take place after school, when is the best time to read?”
Create a space that can consistently be used for reading time. Although reading can take place anytime and anywhere, having a designated place ensures there is a well-lit, quiet, and comfortable spot. The goal of your reading space is to provide a well-equipped, consistent place for your child/teen to fully focus on a story. Setting up a reading nook can be highly motivating to a child/teen and may encourage more of their own time spent on reading.
Create a family reading rule. Invite discussion at dinner on books that the family is reading. Engage in the topic equally, so your child/teen is not carrying the burden of the conversation.

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Approach reading time as a treat not a chore. If you save reading for after things like doing homework or getting ready for bed, then reading can be viewed as a desirable time to be together.

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Allow your child/teen to select their own books that look interesting and desirable. You can learn more about books to offer your child/teen on the online review tool from Common Sense Media (or download their app). It offers the developmental appropriateness of each book and a sneak preview along with central themes.

STEP 2. TEACH NEW SKILLS BY INTERACTIVE MODELING

As parents, learning about what developmental milestones your child/teen is working on can help you know which aspects might be more difficult for them when it comes to reading. Here are some examples:

Eleven-year-olds tend to enjoy challenging tasks but may not be organized about their academic work so they can use support with managing their time. They desire staying up late so parents can contribute to their learning by helping them stick to bedtime rules to get enough sleep. They may need quiet down time which is a perfect chance for reading if there are clear rules and limits on screen time. They can enjoy reading to younger children. They are interested in real world problems, so nonfiction or historical fiction may interest this age group.
Twelve- and thirteen-year-olds are capable of empathy and seeing another’s perspective, so books with strong, interesting characters facing challenging dilemmas can be of interest. This age group is grappling with the risks of adulthood and trying to understand the roles of sex, alcohol, drugs, family problems, and violence. Books that provide wisdom and insight into social situations can interest twelve-year-olds and provoke their thinking and honing of their own sense of right and wrong.
Fourteen-year-olds are undergoing rapid growth and require lots of sleep, food, and exercise, so make sure that your routines are consistent so that they can refuel when they need. Fourteen-year-olds are asserting their independence so they may think they are invincible and know everything. Despite this, they still look to adults to set boundaries to help them through this uncertain time in which they need to take risks. This is a particularly important age to allow plenty of choice in reading material. Fourteen-year-olds can “play out” their need for risk in high-stakes adventure books, thrillers, ghost stories, or nonfiction weird-but-true stories. Because of their increased interest in sexuality and attraction, they may also gravitate toward romances or love stories. This is a healthy outlet for their need for risk and also provides quiet down time in the midst of significant growth and development.
15-19-year-olds are trying to figure out their adult identity, understanding how to make important decisions about their life, and building relationships with peers and influential others. This may be a highly emotional time as teens face leaving home for the first time and living on their own. In addition to the pivotal role reading will play throughout their school years, reading can also become a social and emotional support if older teens have the environment that cultivates it. In other words, teens can find solace, a sense of calm, and even understanding in the books they read. They may discover that the problems they face are normal. Stories may even help reframe their problems to offer valuable perspective that, in the larger scheme of world events, their problems aren’t quite so bad. Reading can also offer entry into people’s life choices in ways that spur empathy and also, help exercise moral reasoning as older teens grapple with the gray areas of decision making.

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Follow your child’s/teen’s lead on books. Take a trip to the library, and see what they select. Give them the choice of which books to read.

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Research shows that many boys tend to stop reading by their own choice for pleasure around nine or ten.5 Experts suspect this is because boys tend toward nonfiction topics like the natural world or how-to topics like how to build a treehouse. They might also gravitate toward graphic novels or comics. Experts suspect that parents can voice their disapproval of these reading choices and inadvertently discourage reading. Be sure you leave judgment of book choices behind and only encourage their reading. Nonfiction and graphic novels are excellent choices if they interest your young reader. As long as it’s safe content, offer your support and interest.

ACTIONS

As a parent, it is easy to be confused about how best to support your child’s/teen’s reading. Here are some specific ways you can define your role while ensuring they have full ownership over their reading.

When your child/teen invites you to learn more about what they are reading or asks a question, listen with interest. Try and relate any themes to their life. You can also ask questions such as:
- “What captures your interest when you start reading a book?”
- “Which character do you identify with the most?”
- “What are some themes in the book that are similar or different to how you are living?”
Share your curiosity and interest in the subject but do not provide an answer.
Model reading. Remember, your child/teen is watching you and will notice if you do or do not read around your home. Allow your child/teen to pick a book for you or read a book they have read and bring it into your conversations.
Research information together in books. Talk about the difference between online research and looking up something in a book. Although it’s tempting to do all of your research about a topic online, be sure to include books or articles in your research process. If your child/teen is doing a science project on geology, internet research can be helpful. But, be sure and also seek out books that can provide helpful background information. This cultivates a habit for seeking out the information they require through books.
Encourage your child/teen to take “brain breaks” while they are reading to allow themselves to process what they have read. They can take a break to walk around, play with the dog, or do a chore. You could also share how you take brain breaks at work and strategies that have worked for you.

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Parents do not need to be subject matter experts EVER! Indeed, your child/teen may be reading about topics that you may not know anything about. That is exciting! Encourage them to share this knowledge with you. Appear interested and engaged. Model active learning. If they need information, be a research assistant and provide the support they need to find the right information.

STEP 3. PRACTICE TO GROW SKILLS, CONFIDENCE, AND DEVELOP HABITS

Reading practice can take the form of reading together, reading individually, or talking about what each person in the family is reading. When children/teens talk about what they are reading, you are growing vital new brain connections around presentation, summarizing, and synthesizing.

ACTIONS

Use “I’d love to hear…” as a way to get your child/teen talking about what they are reading. This might sound like, “I remember reading this book. I’d love to hear what it’s about?”
Recognize any effort your child/teen makes either reading or sharing with you what they are reading. Say, “I so appreciate hearing about the book through your lens. Because you have such an interesting way of looking at things.”
Proactively remind your child/teen to help them be successful. This might sound like, “I am looking forward to hearing about the latest in the book that you are reading.”

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Resist the temptation to nag. Children/Teens often need more time to perform tasks that challenge them even if we believe they are simple and don’t require much time. If you nag them about reading, they will resist. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they are able to do what you need them to do.

STEP 4. SUPPORT YOUR CHILD’S/TEEN’S DEVELOPMENT AND SUCCESS

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen several new positive learning habits so that they understand how to perform them. You’ve practiced together, and now, you can offer support when it’s needed. Parents naturally offer support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

ACTIONS

Model and promote a learning attitude. Be curious about your child/teen and what they are learning. The more you model curiosity, the more they will engage in books as well as the world around them.
Talk positively about reading and share your interest in reading. Talk with your child/teen about your favorite books and what made you feel connected with the characters.
Coach your child/teen to get more support if needed. Encourage them to talk with their teachers to get book recommendations or alternatives. Hold firm to the belief that if your child/teen doesn’t like reading, it is because they haven’t found the genre that captivates them.
Stay engaged. Read with your child/teen, discuss books regularly, make a plan to read a particular book that also has a movie, watch the movie after reading the book, and compare the stories.

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Become aware of your own reactions to reading. Be sure that the tone and attitude you bring is one of enjoyment, curiosity, and learning.

STEP 5. RECOGNIZE EFFORT AND QUALITY TO FOSTER MOTIVATION

Though adults tend to forget, your attention is your child’s/teen’s sweetest reward. It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness and business of getting homework completed and checking it off the list, for example. But if your child/teen is working hard on reading, it will be worth your while to call it out. After all, your recognition can go a long way to promoting more of the same positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s sense of competence and responsibility. You can add to your their motivation to work hard with the following actions.

ACTIONS

Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when all is moving along smoothly. When children/teens are choosing to read, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you’re almost at the end of your book. You must be enjoying it! Excellent.”

Recognize small steps along the way. Appreciate your child/teen when they share about a book that they are reading. You can say, “I really enjoy hearing about what you are reading. It’s like I am reading it through an entirely different lens.”

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Be specific. “Good job” seems to not carry much meaning. However, a specific compliment about a pointed behavior – “You ended your video game when the timer went off and got out your reading for school – love seeing that!” – can promote more of the same.

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If you focus only on outcomes – “You got your reading done” – you miss the chance to influence the process. Better to say – “You stayed focused, managed your frustration, and worked through that challenging section.”

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Avoid gifts or other physical rewards for performance. These actually have a de-motivating effect on children/teens. When you remove the money, for example, have they internalized the skills and also the sense of responsibility for performing them? There’s less of a chance if you’ve offered a “bribe.” Focus on your attention as the best reward. Your attention and recognition add to their feelings of competence. This is an essential strategy in discipline for skill building.

CLOSING

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that builds your skills as an effective parent to use on many other issues and builds important skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. Throughout this tool, there are opportunities for children/teens to become more self-aware, to deepen their social awareness, to exercise their self-management skills, to work on their relationship skills, and to demonstrate and practice responsible decision making.

References

Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2019). Reading. Ages 11-19. Retrieved from https://www.ParentingMontana.org.

Learn together! You’ve learned what your child’s/teen’s physical signs of stress tend to be, and hopefully you’ve reflected on your own as well. Now, understanding how your brain – for both adults and children/teens – operates when feeling anxiety is critical in shaping your responses and offering supports for your child/teen. Anytime you are emotionally shaken from fear, anxiety, anger, or hurt, you are functioning from the part of your brain that developed first – the primal brain – or amygdala. During these intense feelings, there is a chemical that washes over the rest of your brain that cuts off access so that your only functioning abilities are in your survival center. This “hijacking” of your brain, as Daniel Goleman author of Emotional Intelligence refers to it, serves a critical role.4 In true survival circumstances, you are able to focus on fighting, fleeing, or freezing. If you are being hunted by a tiger, your mind focuses immediately on running away. Your body surges with adrenaline (a hormone) that gives you an extra boost of energy. Our high anxiety can quite literally paralyze thinking. Effective problem solving requires logic, language, and creativity though none can be well utilized when greatly upset. But, in family life, fighting with words or actions or fleeing out of the door is often not constructive, safe, or practical. Creating a plan (as you will be guided below) and practicing it can prepare children/teens and adults to manage stress during a crisis, big or small.

Fears typically relate to something in our lives or our future that is unknown. So, close that gap a bit by learning more about the issue at hand. Is your child/teen worried about getting sick? Do some research together on ways to prevent getting sick. This will help provide more facts and may alleviate some of their concerns. When you get more information and learn more about the issue, you, as a parent, can pinpoint exactly what’s causing the anxiety. Then, when your child/teen learns more, that information can often lessen the worry or, at times, eliminate it altogether.

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Deep breathing is not just a nice thing to do. It actually decreases the chemical that has flowed over your brain – and allows you to regain access to your creativity, language, and logic versus staying stuck in your primal brain. Practicing deep breathing with your child/teen can offer them a powerful tool to use anytime, anywhere when they feel overcome with anxiety.

Brainstorm coping strategies. There are numerous coping strategies you and your child/teen can use depending on what feels right. But, when you are really anxious and upset, it can be difficult to recall what will make you feel better. That’s why brainstorming a list, writing it down, and keeping it at the ready can come in handy when they really need it. Here are some ideas from Janine Halloran, the author of Coping Skills for Kids: imagine your favorite place, take a walk, get a drink of water, take deep breaths, count to 50, draw, color, build something.5
Help your child/teen develop a positive association with stress. When they start to feel stress in their bodies, they could say, “This is my body’s way of getting me ready for the challenge.”
Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Yes, at times, parents have to become a feelings detective. If our child/teen shuts down and refuses to tell us what’s going on, we have to dig for clues. Children/Teens take longer to develop their feelings vocabulary. That’s because they hear feelings expressed in daily conversations much less frequently than thoughts or other expressions. In fact, it’s necessary to be able to identify our emotions to become more self-aware and successfully manage our emotions.
Create a chill zone. During a time without pressures, design a “chill zone” or place where your child/teen decides they would like to go when upset to feel better. Maybe their chill zone is a beanbag chair in their room or the couch in the family room. Then, think through together what items you might place there to help with the calm down.
Design a plan. When you’ve learned about what happens in your brain and body when stress or fear takes over, you know you need a plan at the ready so you don’t have to think in that moment.
Teach your child/teen how to stop rumination. If you catch your child/teen uttering the same upsetting story more than once, then their mind has hopped onto the hamster wheel of rumination. In these times, it can be difficult to let go.
- Talk to them about the fact that reviewing the same concerns over and again will not help them resolve the issue, but talking about them might help, calming down might help, and learning more might help. Setting a positive goal for change will help. Practice what you can do when you feel you are thinking through the same upsetting thoughts.

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Say “Stop” out loud when you notice the same worries running through your mind. Then, try out one of your coping strategies to help you feel better and let go of those nagging thoughts. Encourage your child/teen to try it as well.

Create a family gratitude ritual. We get plenty of negative messages each day through the news, performance reviews at school or work, and through challenges with family and friends. It’s easy and often feels more acceptable to complain than to appreciate. Balance out your daily ratio of negative to positive messages by looking for the good in your life and articulating it. Model it and involve your child/teen. This is the best antidote to a sense of entitlement or taking your good life for granted while wanting more and more stuff. Psychologists have done research on gratefulness and found that it increases people’s health, sense of wellbeing, and their ability to get more and better sleep at night.6

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Create a ritual for expressing gratitude so that it actually happens and becomes a family habit. You might say what you are grateful for before each family meal together. Or you might leave a chalkboard up to write down grateful words and statements. Consider that ending the day reflecting on the goodness in your lives could just be the best way to send your child/teen off to sleep.

STEP 3. PRACTICE TO GROW SKILLS, CONFIDENCE, AND DEVELOP HABITS

Practice can take the form of cooperatively completing the task together or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is not only nice, it’s necessary in order for children/teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time they perform the new action.

ACTIONS

Use “I’d love to see…” When a child/teen learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say: “I’d love to see how you are able to find your feet right now.” This can be used when you observe their stress mounting.
Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you took some deep breaths when you got frustrated – that’s excellent!”
Include reflecting on the day in your bedtime routine. Begin by asking about worries or problems that your child/teen will surely consider after you leave the room. Listen and offer comfort. Demonstrate that you are allowing and accepting the uncertainty of unresolved problems. You could say, “It sounds like things feel pretty out of control right now. What is one thing you can do to feel better about this?” Then, turn to gratitude. Children/Teens may not have the chance to reflect on what’s good and abundant in their lives throughout the day, yet grateful thoughts can be a central contributor to happiness and wellbeing. And, grateful thoughts directly wipe out ruminations. So ask, “What happened today that made you happy?” or “What were the best moments in your day?”6
Proactively remind. Remind in a gentle, non-public way. “Remember what we are going to say when we keep playing worries over and again in our mind? What is it?”

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The best way to turnaround a misbehavior that may be taking place as a result of worries or fears is by recognizing when and how your child/teen makes good choices and acts positively in similar circumstances. Children/Teens need to learn what to do as well as what not to do.

STEP 4. SUPPORT YOUR CHILD’S/TEEN’S DEVELOPMENT AND SUCCESS

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen some new strategies for managing stress so that they understand how to take action. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, and coaching. Parents naturally offer support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

ACTIONS

Ask key questions to support their skills. For example, “You have your speech at the middle school today. Do you remember what you can do to help yourself if you feel nervous?”
Learn about development. Each new age and stage will present differing challenges and along with them, stress. So, becoming informed regularly about what developmental milestones your child/teen is working toward will offer you empathy and patience.
Reflect on outcomes. “Seems like you couldn’t get to sleep last night because you had so much on your mind. What can we do tonight to change that?”
Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for trying out new and different coping strategies can offer additional support and motivation for your child/teen when tough issues arise.

STEP 5. RECOGNIZE EFFORT AND QUALITY TO FOSTER MOTIVATION

Though it is easy to forget, your attention is your child’s/teen’s sweetest reward. It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness and business of getting tasks accomplished like getting to work and school on time in the morning. But if your child/teen is working hard to manage their big feelings, it will be worth your while to call it out. After all, your recognition can go a long way to promoting more of the same positive behaviors and expanding their sense of competence and responsibility. Add to their motivation to work hard by the following actions.

ACTIONS

Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when all is moving along smoothly. Notice! When children/teens are using the self-management tools you’ve taught them, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed. “I noticed when you got frustrated with your homework, you moved away and took some deep breaths. Yes! Excellent.”
Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments in order to recognize. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. They need to happen along the way. Find small ways your child/teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
Build celebrations into your routine. For example, “I know that homework today is frustrating for you. How about as soon as you are done, let’s take a walk outside together?” Include high fives, fist bumps, and hugs in your repertoire of ways to appreciate one another.

TRAP

Avoid gifts or other physical rewards for performance. These actually have a de-motivating effect on children/teens. When you remove the money or extra screen time, for example, have they internalized the skills and also the sense of responsibility for performing them? There’s less of a chance if you’ve offered a “bribe.” Focus on your attention as the best reward. This is an essential strategy in discipline for skill building.

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Be specific. “Good job” seems to not carry much meaning. However, a specific compliment about a pointed behavior – “You went to your safe base when you were upset earlier. Love seeing that!” – can promote more of the same.

CLOSING

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES FOR SUSTAINED FAMILY CRISIS OR ADVERSE/TRAUMATIC CHILD EXPERIENCES

If there are high emotions in your household most days, most of the time, then it may be time to consider outside intervention. Physical patterns (like depression) can set in that require the help of a trained professional. Seeking psychological help is the same as going to your doctor for a physical ailment. It is very wise to seek outside help. The following are some U.S.-based resources to check out.

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP)
- Has definitions, answers to frequently asked questions, resources, expert videos, and an online search tool to find a local psychiatrist. http://www.aacap.org
American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Healthy Children
- Provides information for parents about emotional wellness, including helping children handle stress, psychiatric medications, grief, and more. http://www.healthychildren.org
American Psychological Association (APA)
- Offers information on managing stress, communicating with kids, making stepfamilies work, controlling anger, finding a psychologist, and more. http://www.apa.org
Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies (ABCT)
- Provides free online information so that children and adolescents benefit from the most up-to-date information about mental health treatment and can learn about important differences in mental health supports. Parents can search online for local psychologists and psychiatrists for free. http://www.abct.org

References

Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2019). Stress. Ages 11-19. Retrieved from https://www.ParentingMontana.org.